dead end

i am sitting here on my new tablet and decided to let yall know that i am still alive.  Things with my weight loss have come to a standstill and i am actually ok with it for now. The 23rd is my 37th birthday and it hard to believe i am closer to 40 now and very much feeling it.

i read fifty shades of grey and loved it. i am just waiting for my best friend to send the other books.  what can i say reading relaxes me and right now i need to be relaxed as much as possible.

Juicing Day 4

So today has been a pretty good day. I feel great and i am full of energy; my doctor would be ecstatic by this.Sunday I am going to weigh myself; hope fully there will be a weightloss. I am still eating a sensible meal for dinner but come August 1 i am going to be full fledge juicing. I drink tons of water everyday and that sends me to the bathroom almost every 30 mins. pain in the ass i tell ya.

Juicing day 3

this morning juice was absolutely awful because we put to much kale in it but i drank it anyway. Juice for lunch was fanastic and sweeet from the cherries but i loved it and enjoyed it immensely. The hard thing right now is I am absolutely jonesing for carbs.I have the shakes and just was to eat a whole loaf of bread. I don't know how i am going to deal with next month juicing 3 times a day instead of only twice. Wish some luck for me and pray that i do ok.

Juicing Day 2

I had a fabulous juice this morning. It had grapes, strawberries, a peach, a plum, some blueberries and raspberries in it. I am now suffering from all the nutrients going straight to my blood stream. Yesterday my pee smelled like celery how commical is that. I feel alittle more energized today. I took the rest of the juice and made myself a smoothi for lunch. Now I am starving. So for dinner I will have my meal.

We went to the store to buy more fruits and veggies and ran into our neighbor who also is a juicing person. He said to try kale, carrots, and apples.

On the depression side I have been taking my medicine right and added 500 mg of niacin because its supposed to help with depression and i can tell its working cause i don't feel so depressed anymore.

so essential i am feeling way much better and more energized.

Juicing Day 1

Today I starteted juicing.I had a cup of juice in the morning and a cup at lunchtime. We had a sensible dinner because I am trying th ease my self into the fastening. All day i have been crabby and changing the channels every five minutes because that how many times a food commercial comes on. I am majorly jonesing for solid food even now that i have eaten. some hot bread sounds so wonderful right now with the butter melting on it.
So basically mentally I am reck about my food intake. But i am going to do this because i need too.

July 1st

My husband and I have decided to start a juicing fast on the 1st. I am hoping that it will help kick start my weight loss again. I have been eating pretty well except the late night munchies. I am hoping from what I have read it will help me physically, mentally, and emotionally. So trying to find a job is being put on hold so that I can focus on my metal stability right now. I am just not doing so well especially with not taking my medicine right and a really bad side affect to that is having sucicidal thoughts. Yup I was having them and i didn't like it so i have been very adamit about taking my medicine right. But that doesn't take my stress away.The stress is still there and very real. So no worries!!! I am looking for a therapist to help me deal with whats going on in my life until I can change it.

Monday is just Monday

Well here I am still trying to lose weight, not working again, and feeling totally like shit.I have to say though I have not put back to much weight on my body.Me and the hubby are starting to watch what we are eating again.So hopefully my weight will start to come off again.I am at 307 so it could be worse.
Last thing yall heard from me was that my rabbit passed and that my job was great.Yeah it was till I started having chest pains.Then it downhill. But needless to say I still stressed even from not working.My husband and I are talking about buying a yurt and building and living in it until we get me back to work.

I can't continue to live with my brother in law, you thought it was bad earlier now its even worse. Not only am i biting my tongue but i feel as though I am going mad.I am just waiting for a tea party and for alice to show up now.

Gertie if you are out there drop me aline to lend me some words of encouragement. Anyone can lend words if they like. Someone tell me my life will change very soon if i keep my mind set to what i want. Help!!!

so confused

well I am not working at walmart at the present time because of my heart condition.  I wish they would put me in a position like cashiering where I don't have to lift, push, or pull anything. Doctors orders state that I should not do any of that. It has to be 30 lbs or less. So I think being let go because of chest pains and being unable to do overnight stocker would be cause for a law suit maybe. I don't know. I am doing very well with my jewelry making.I got a big order from my best friend. She ordered 4 breast cancer awareness bracelets, one 3 strand bracelet and 3 necklaces for nieces wedding. I have ventured into chain maille necklaces and made a beautiful one for my mom's friend.

As for my weightloss HAHAHA!

Bunny FUFU passed away

Tuesday morning between 1am - 2am my sweet bunny fufu passed away while i was at work. I am totally devastated. I feel like a piece of my heart died with him. We buried him after i got home from work and i just bawled my eyes out till I exhausted myself. SO I am doing pretty good with my job even dealing with the nosy trouble making busy bodies. I like it and some of the people are absolutely great to work with. My managers are all great unlike the one I had at my previous job.

My jewelry making has come to a slow stop because I have no time to do it because I sleep all day and I am at work until 7 am. I am thinking that once i finally gotten use to this shift thinmgs will be back to order.

I have no clue how my weight loss is doing but i did fit into a size 2x shirt the other day. one year and half ago I was in a 4x so i must be doing something right.

Feeling fully positive for the first time in years

I have to say that I feel totally positive that my life is going to be going down a more postive route now. Don't get me wrong there are days that will be total chaos but I am so looking forward to more positive things in my life.I got a job, had my orientation on Saturday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have computerized training then on friday I finally start as overnight stocker in dry foods.The thing about it is I am super excited and super positive things are going to start looking up in my life.

The first thing I am going to do is is purchase head gear for my CPAP machine and save the rest of the money so we can get a car.Getting a car is a major deal for us; it will open opportunities for home searching.This means no stress from living with my brother in law anymore.Can I get a hip hip hooray!!!!I so need my own space and time with my husband.

As for my weightloss I have no clue right now.I have not weighedmyself in a couple of weeks and I am alright with that.This week is TOM so there is no chance of me weighing in.But I don't feel huge and I am doing ok with my eating.Now that I have a job I will be doing more walking and standing on my feet.So thats bound to help with losing the weight.

OVERNIGHTS

Well I am officially an employee of Walmart again.I will be doing overnight stocking this time around.This means I will be sleeping during the day and working at night.This doesn't bother me because its a job and I need it. I am hoping the people there are really nice and hope to make a couple of friends.

This opens avenues for both me and the hubby.First things first save for a car.With having a car it opens opportunity and areas up to move.Yes you heard me right; a couple months down the road you will hear me say that we are moving.This means less stress for me because my brother in law won't be able to antagonize me.YAY!!!!

With having a car I can go back to Maryland and visit my family and friends.Thats just exciting all in itself for me.

TODAY is wonderful

Well I woke up this morning planning on having my husbands and I's picture done but we discussed it alittle more and decided we want an outside picture done. This was figured out after I got all dressed and prettyified. So when May comes along and the weather is just right we are going to go to the metroparks duck pond and have our pictures taken.I will be sure to post it when we get it.
On another good note I weighed myself and i lost here it comes a whopping 6 lbs. This means I am back under 300lbs and going strong.I still have to make changes to my diet but I am so happy I lost that. That means I have a short goal of losing 14 more lbs to be back at where I was before Thanksgiving. I am excited and totally motivated if only the weather would cooperate I would be set.
As for my jewelry making I have sold 3 bracelets and 2 anklets. Its going very slow but I think as we head into the summertime people will buy my anklets more because they will be wearing flipflops and sandals. Honestly nothing looks better with great pair of sandals as a pretty anklet.

last straw

I am freaking done.If i don't move soon I am going to lose it totally.Day after day he sits and antagonizes me left and right. I want to take his cell phone and shove it up his ass so far it comes out of his throat. This was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life.As soon asI move I am making sure we never have to move in with somebody again. Especially my freaking brother in law. Yesterday the hubby went off on him.Its nice to see i am not the only one losing my freaking mind living here. I can't take it....I am so freaking done!!!

My Baby Boy

As I sit here I wonder where I would be without my baby boy. WHen getting up in early in the morning while everyone is still sound sleep I sit in the living room by myself until I here the creak of the bedroom door opening. Baby boy has decided that its mommy time and comes out looks at me with his chestnut colored eyes as to say good morning mommy how are you feeeling today? He goes to the couch climbs in his spot lays there with his huge eyes planted on me. So for about an hour I have baby boy all to myself and I never feel as calm as I do in the we early morning with baby boy. Baby boy is very spoiled and I have to say I have my hand is some of that.But he is more spoiled by his daddy then he is by me.
There are some days that he doesn't even bother with me but to open the bedroom door as to say look at me and are you alright mommy? I try to get as much time with him as possible because once daddy is around its DADDYTIME!!!
We raised him to be a good boy and there are days he just won't mind. But then you feel bad for scolding him because he is not minding.What I love the most is when he crawls up on the bed with me and comes and lays his head on my leg as to say here I am. Its very soothing at times and very calming when baby boy does this. He likes to play chase and howls on cue. if you haven't figured out who baby boy is by now he is my dog bullet. I love him so and would love to have a big house with a big yard for him but finacially thats not possible at this time. So he goes alittle stir crazy and chases his tail and gets in the puppy bow. There are times he makes me laugh and then there are times he drives me absolutely bonkers but I wouldn't have it any other way.I can't go to sleep at night unless daddy is playing with making him bark. His bark at times can be annoying but most of the time especially at bedtime its very calming. lol
Again as I said in the beginning I don't know what I would do with out my baby boy.

1st day of Spring

Let me just tell you I am absolutely positively escatic that its spring. I even went outside and trimmed my lavendar bush in the warm sunshine. Then I sat with my neighbor for awhile and we talked about what she has been doing and what i have been doing.Its so nice to be out of hibernation.I can't wait to start walking and possibly finding a job.
To top off this glorious day I sold one of my bracelets today. YAY!!!!
As for my eating I am doing pretty well but I am not going to weigh myself till sunday.

Stupid Spermdonor

Today is a beautiful day and we took the dog out to the doggy park so he could run and play with other dogs. It was great till i get a friend request on my phone from my spermdonor biological father. now mind this over a year ago i try to stay in contact and they stopped all of the sudden. making me feel like dirt and worthless shit. I am not going through that again. I don't care if he is sick i just don't care none of that side of my family has ever given a rats ass about me so why should i.

A Student Again

For the past week or so I have been cotemplating whether to go back to school for my bachelors. Yesterday I talked to someone about it and have decided that for todays economy and my potential job aspects it would be beneficial to attain this degree. This will give me opportunities for jobs that are not so mediocre. I mean I will work in the retail business but I want to be the manager not the underfoot that gets stepped on all the time. I think i would make an excellent boss for employees and in all fairness not treat them as employers seem to be treating their employees here lately. So in a couple of weeks I will be a student again..... I feel I need to do this and i know i can do it because i am strong willed and put my best foot forward on all things that i set out to do.
In the meantime I will look for a job that will give me part time hours so that I can save to move and get vehicle. I will continue to monitor my caloric intake and do my very best to lose this weight that may be hindering me from getting a decent job.

Well back in the saddle again.....

As some of you know i took a break from my weight loss journey and during the break i regained 20 lbs of what i loss back. This morning i decided to face the scale again after weighing myself last week at the doctors office where i came to the results of the gaining back 20 lbs. This day though i said hello to the scale got on and read that i have a 3 lbs weight loss this week. I am so happy and so ready to rejoin this journey of weight loss again.
I will continue to lose weight and focus on finding a job.I think my weight played a major factor in my not getting hired at the two places i had interviews with. Very sad that happened but it made realize it was time to come back from my break.

Interviews and more interviews

Well here it is the beginning of March and i still have not found a job.I keep interviewing but they keep telling me they are still interviewing and they will call me as soon as they are done.I have an interview with walmart today for the 3rd time for a different position in one of the same stores as I interviewed for cashier. If I don't get hired soon I am going to go live in an art colony.
As for my weight loss I really don't know if I have lost weight because I haven't weighed myself yet this month. Today I feel bloated and sick.I think I am coming down with a cold which is not surprising with this stupid ass weather. One minute its snowing next we are having sixty degree weather.
I hope everyone is doing well and I will let you all know how my interviewing turns out soon.

My shop

As some of you may know now I have taken up the hobby of making jewelry. Its a very slow start but its coming along. You can see what I made or even purchase something at http://www.etsy.com/shop/LynnsOpenCloset?ref=si_shop

If there is something you would particularly like to see for me to make please let me know I will do my best to find and make it for you.

Almost the end of the month

The end of the month is fast approaching and I still have not found a job. I had interviews for Walmart but I don't think I was the right person ( reverse discrimination). I was very highly qualified for the job so I should have been hired. I am so peeved about this I can't see straight and thinking I might call headquarters on this. When I put the application in I was more then flexible with my time and thought the interviews went very well. Oh well. So now I am have interview with Kmart on Monday at 3:00pm. If all goes well maybe I will have a job but I am not getting my hopes up for them to be crushed like they were this time.

As for my eating I am trying my hardest to stay under 1500 calories but its very hard when you are stressed. All I want to do is eat to comfort myself and at the present moment I am craving chocolate cake. Gertie you know thats my weakness. But I will not have it because my husband won't make it which is beneficial. He won't take me to fast food joints either. What I wouldn't do for a double quarter pounder with cheese. Oh well. I continue to drink water and try to stay away from the pepsi but when I do drink one it tastes so very good. I only do it at least once a month.

Let me tell you about all the mail I have been getting because I ordered so much jewelry making stuff. Don't get me wrong I love email but snail mail is so much more personal. I have 5 things up on Etsy now. 2 anklets and 3 bracelets. I am getting there slowly but surely. I have these teardrop beads that I want to make earrings out of. They are so cute.

Feeling Sad

I am waiting to hear from Walmart about whether I got the job or not. In the meantime its driving me crazy all this waiting. It makes me think that I didn't get it. I put an application in to Kmart yesterday and I am hoping they call me for interview soon.

As for my weightloss its not going so good so from going into a deep depression I am not going to weigh myself for about a month or so. If I were to tell you what my weight is now I would totally be embarrassed. That will only make me fell more like a failure. So I will continue to count calories and watch what I am eating and try to get some exercise in but no scale for now. I need a break from numbers. I am even thinking of having my husband do bills this month because my brain cells are fried.

Don';t worry just send a prayer light some candles or incense for me. And hope that I can get back on this bad wagon.

Monday Monday

Well here it is Monday and I am waiting patiently for Aldis to call me for a job interview. You can't call them to do a follow up because they have no phone numbers. Kinda silly if you ask me. But I so really need a job because I am going stir crazy sitting in this house. My husband isn't driving me crazy I actually love being with him except its not just him and me. We don't get much time alone and thats our own fault because I should have gotten a job years ago. Its so hard finding one now because employers are being picky about who they are hiring. More people are applying for the same jobs that I am so how can you sell yourself when nobody calls you for an interview. Spring is coming and alot of places will be hiring for the season but I need a permanent job. But I guess you have to take what you can get nowadays.

I am waiting for so much jewelry stuff to come by mail its sad. I have all kinds of stuff and there is so much I still need. I am itching to do something and I can't keep taking my anxiety medicine because my brother in law loves to atangonize me. I just want to move and be happy with my husband , dog and rabbit.

To hell in a handbasket

This week has not started off very well. I went to Aldis to put an application for cashier; they were all out. Then We went to Lowes to get a switch for the light so I have some proper lightning to do jewelry making but I am waiting on shipments from across the ocean of beads to start making some jewelry. I love buying from overseas because the prices are cheaper then here in the states. Plus you find some very unique items.

As far as my eating it goes down the drain this week. I have had pizza and not just alittle but alot. Next week I will do better because I just will. Had some polenta this morning very good but alot of calories in it. I like putting alittle bit of butter and honey in it; it kinda reminds of cream of wheat. I think I am may do some cleaning and arranging of the desk today because it starts to look over crowded.

Just another Sunday to me

Well everyone is all hyped about today being Super Bowl Sunday. To me its just another day in the life of me. I have been doing pretty good as far as not eating at night but the scale wants to continue to stay where its been the past 3 weeks. I have to figure out how to lose more weight. Its very frustrating when you change something you have been doing most of your life and not show a movement on the scale. But the positive of this weeks weighin is that I didn't gain so YAY for ME!!!!!

Yesterday I got some more beads but I have to go to the store and get some paticulars to make some anklets to sell. The beads I got yesterday are absolutely beautiful and would make great anklets. I am excited about making them. I have to make another anklet for my goddaughter Maddie because hers broke. Hopefully with the new material I have this one will last much longer. My cousin wants a pink one so I have to make hers as well. I am just waiting on some more beads to come in the mail. Some of my beads are coming from The Asian area so there is a long wait for them but its so worth it. If interested in a bracelet or anklets let me know. I will be be posting things in the near furture at Etsy.com. I will even let you know my shop name here in the future.

Tomorrow I am going to a store and putting an application in for cashier. I really need a job so that I can move. I so want my own place to run around in my underwear if I want too. I can't forget to mention I do have an interview on the 24th for home depot. Its so hard nowadays to find a job in this rotten economy.

Not even a whole day

Well my husband got his disability check and its gone by 12:20 pm. I did the usual paid bills and paid bills. We bought food for the animals and of course for ourselves. Its gone not a single cent left to do anything with. I want to start going to church and I might not be able to do that because we have no gas money. My goddaughters birthday is this month and I can't even afford to get her a birthday card and send some money. Will this ever end and when will things change?

I am making jewelry and you have to have money to the supplies to do so. Guess what I won't be doing no shopping for beads and supplies so that ends that idea for a bit.

How to change

Everyone has to change eventually in their lives. Be that you have to move, lose weight, get a job, change a job, or all together find ways to your happiness. I live with my brother in law Scott with my husband. My BIL is very difficult person to live with but I love him. I just don't like him right now. Between me and my husband we cook, clean, and buy groceries for everyone in the household. BIL does nada, zip , zilch, nothing. This is very stressful on my part because I am a woman and we like everything our way. My way is kinda sorta the husbands way too. We like our place to be clean, we like to be clean, etc.....

Its just starting to be to much and with the added stress comes heart problems. I have been having chest pains but they are not a severe chest pain. Its scary because I don't know if I am having a heart attack. Sometimes I am so stressed I get heartburn so that can lead to chest pains. I also have asthma so that causes tight chest symptoms. So what do I do to get rid of the added stress; I complain everyday allday to whomever will listen. Its tiring so now the complaining is stressing me out. I don't want to complain anymore. I want to find a job even though this economy sucks and love it because it will get me the things I need to have a healthier stressless life.

Anyway thats my bitch and grip for the day. Take it or leave it.